Mourning In America
Friday, July 01, 2005
To Our Canadian Readers: Please, please, please do me a favor: Do NOT, under any circumstances, leave your homes while dressed as a seal. I have recently been alerted to the presence of seal clubbers throughout your fine nation, and it would break my heart to see them get you.
I'd like to thank the protesters along Central Avenue in Westchester last week who alerted me to this threat. At first I thought they might be abortion opponents, but as I cruised by, I got a good look at their signs: "BOYCOTT RED LOBSTER: STOP THE CANADIAN SEAL CLUBBERS"
Apparently, there is a nationwide boycott of the Red Lobster seafood chain because it's the biggest domestic purchaser of Canadian seafood, and "many of these fishermen are the same people who routinely club seals."
So, you can rest assured that we Americans will not rest until the seal-clubbing insurgents who have found a haven in Canada are defeated. Well, at least some of us -- despite the protest, the restaurant appeared to be a pretty popular destination for families celebrating that morning's High School graduation ceremonies.
Unfortunately, our armed forces are stretched a little thin at the moment, so you'll have to bide your time before we arrive to liberate your docks and wharves. But don't worry, hope is on the way! Until then, let's be careful out there.